Oct 13

Today on a Very Special Peanut Gallery…

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Tuesday was National Coming Out Day. Now, I’m pretty darn out. I’m openly kinky and poly to pretty much everyone I know, and usually strangers if I can fit it into a conversation. I believe in having no shame about one’s sexuality. But there is one major part of my sexuality that many people don’t know, including my fellow GVLers.

In celebration of Coming Out Day, I’ve decided to come out of my final closet.

I’m asexual.



You’re confused. Let me explain.

There are a lot of misconceptions about asexuality. It’s the only orientation that automatically assumes relationship style and level of libido. Asexuality isn’t about sex drive, not wanting a partner, or being a socially stunted prude. Just like heterosexuality, just like homosexuality, asexuality is only a description of who you’re sexually attracted to.

In this case, no one.

Many asexual people (often called Aces, because we’re ace!) do also happen to experience a lack of libido. Many have a libido but only wish to experience it by themselves, by which I mean masturbation. I personally do have a libido, which I do wish to share with partners; it’s just far more difficult for me to find partners I wish to share it with. I don’t have the main tool that most people use to find them: attraction.

I struggled for a really long time with my orientation. I’ve tried identifying as gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, queer, and probably a few other obscure ones that I can’t remember. Briefly I even reconsidered my gender orientation, because nothing else seemed to fit; maybe I was just coming at it from the wrong end of the genitals? But no. I never even considered asexuality, because obviously I couldn’t be asexual; I wanted to have sex! Lots of sex! With people! Just… never any people in particular…

I discovered asexuality, as one discovers most important things in life, through fandom. One day I stumbled across a drabble by author oper_1895 in which the main character came out as asexual, except not only did he have a libido; he was kinky to boot. To wit:

“I’m just not attracted to nouns. I like verbs—gerunds, even. Loving, caring… tying, spanking.”

“But not people? Ever?”

“Not one person, ever.”

Well there you go.

I’m not attracted to nouns. It’s actually fantastically freeing, because I never have to dismiss potential partners simply on the grounds that I’m not attracted to them. I can judge people on their personality and (ahem!) skills without antiquated chemical devices getting in the way.

So. Now you know I’m asexual. Are there any closets you want to come out of?








1 comment

  1. kriscrat

    Bravo! Proud.

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