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Oct 18

Ten Things To Know When Starring In A Teen Vampire Romance

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Oh don’t look at me like that, dear readers. Everyone has to do something like this at some point and I felt like my time had come. …Well, okay, not really but let me explain…

I spent my weekend at SteamCon (I’ve been a little con-crazy this year, haven’t I?) and had the pleasure of meeting many talented writers. Some self-published, some traditional–all amazing. And of course when you get a bunch of writers together, including their panels, other works inevitably come up–especially when the subject of traditional publishers comes up. See, Publishers, unlike most writers, see books as business. They don’t care how clever a story is or even how well written–as long as they can sell it.

Which brings me to things like Twilight. Now I will state NOW that this list is meant to be humourous… and that I have only read 2 Twilight books… So I hardly think myself an expert… but here are ten things I’ve gathered by personal observation and hearsay.

1. You are a Special Snowflake…but no one knows why. No. Really. Since the time you’re introduced everyone keeps alluding to how special you are–that there’s just something about you! But then the author never tells the audience what that special something is. You’re just special for the sake of being special. As an after thought later, your creator may reveal that you have important lineage or some power that is passive and pretty much useless but all in all at the end your audience will still be raising an eyebrow.

Frankly, we don't see it.

2. You’re beautiful. Even when you may not actually be the most stunning thing in the room, every other character firmly believes you are. It’s a strange phenomenon really… Kinda reminds us of that whole thing Lisa’s got going from Tommy Wiseau’s ‘The Room’.

3. No really, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. And how dare you have a moment that is anything less than that! This means you don’t get to have any genuine unpleasant emotions… because those make you look ugly. You can be angry but are only allowed to express this by slightly squinting your eyes–no brow furrowing! Brow furrowing makes wrinkles. If you’re sad you must do it in a broody and mysterious way–if you cry you are only allowed a few crystaline tears. If we absolutely have to show you sobbing, we’ll bury your face into someone’s shoulder/chest before your face contorts too much. Also acne is out right and so are braces or any other teen staple.

4. You’re kind of boring. I know we said you’re a special little snowflake, but the reason people keep saying this is because you are in fact the most bland person anyone will ever meet. Your only defining character trait is that you kinda whine/brood a lot… but that becomes less defining when it’s kind of the MO of half your cast.

5. Your friends are more boring than you. Because we have to somehow make you seem more interesting, more often than not, your friends have been watered down to mere cardboard cut outs of characters with less depth than a children’s wading pool.

6. Only your SO really ‘gets you’. Despite that we’ve already established you’re far from complicated. The most complicated thing about you is your family which is kind of broken–for whatever reason–but you’re honestly not that damaged about it and it only serves to give you a reason to brood out your window.

7. You always have more than one suitor and they always hate eachother. And I don’t just mean, “We’re competing for the same girl, I don’t like you” kind of thing, it’s a river runs deep “gonna kill this guy because he killed my family/past girlfriend/dog fluffy, I hate you” kind of thing. They are always competing for your love and of course, you must eventually chose one. Yes. YOU MUST CHOSE. You don’t get the “None of the Above” option in this story. You have to end up with an SO because if you aren’t with a man or being actively pursued by one, your life is meaningless.

8. You don’t ever get to actually save the day. I know you’re heralded as the ‘heroine’ of this story, but I’m sorry, you don’t actually get to do anything heroic. That’s saved for every other cast member. Your job is to look pretty and get saved ten times before we’re even halfway done. In fact almost every picture of you is with your SO holding you close or looming above or even gripping your arm in a weird possessively “protective” manner.

9. Staring is hot.

10. You’re actually 25.

3 comments

  1. @Psyfallen

    Frolicking is underrated.

  2. Amy Leigh Strickland

    This comic is a lie because it implies that Bella smiles.

    1. Karma

      Lol. Truth.

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