Everything you need to know about handcuffs

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Quick! Think of something kinky! Not crazy weird kinky, but hmm-sounds-like-fun-if-only-my-partner-would-let-me-get-away-with-it kinky.

If you thought of floggers, violet wands, or mummification, you already know all I have to teach you. You are free to go.

If you thought of handcuffs, by all means,

Continue reading…

Handcuffs are what a lot of people think of when they think of kink. While it’s true that bondage is a widely loved practice, there are a lot of dangerous misconceptions about it. Here’s a handy guide for those among you who want to learn more.

Metal handcuffs: When most people think of kinky handcuffs, they think of the iconic police kind. The truth of the matter is you’d be hard pressed to find someone who has ever used these more than once. They bruise and cut your wrists even under the best circumstance. If they’re on too tight they can cause serious and lasting damage to your superficial radial nerve. Nerve damage is not sexy.

Some of you out there are thinking, “That’s why you get the fuzzy kind!” No! Wrong! First of all, sex toys should never be fuzzy. Second, a thin layer of fur not only adds no padding but may also give you some pretty wicked friction burns. Have you ever had a faux fur burn? They are not pleasant.

There are some alternatives out there for those of you who really like the thought of metal cuffs. There are some made specifically for harder bondage, with wider cuffs, smoother edges, and a more fitted, natural shape. These are srs bsns and come with a srs fckng prc tg. Expect to pay between $100-$200. I recommend any of Clejuso’s medium or heavy weight cuffs. It’s what they use to escort prisoners to jail in Germany!

Note: People make a big fuss about not losing the handcuff key. Here’s a secret. All handcuffs take the same key. Seriously. The fuzzy playtime cuffs you get at sex shops for seven dollars take the same key as the ones police officers use.  The lock is also, fortunately, ridiculously easy to pick. So if you do happen to lose the key, don’t panic! Either get the key from any other set of handcuffs or search YouTube for a video on how to pick them.

Leather handcuffs: These are much gentler than the metal alternatives, and the risk of injuring one’s self with them is slim to none. They aren’t generally as secure, however. I have fairly slim wrists and can easily slip every pair I’ve ever worn, but if your wrists are more defined that shouldn’t be a problem.

Be sure to buy ones lined in leather, not cloth or fur. (Have I mentioned I hate fuzzy sex toys?) Anything that will clean cloth/fur will ruin the leather, and anything that will treat the leather will ruin the cloth/fur.

Expect to pay forty dollars and up.

Rope: Aahh, rope. Rope is just… it’s the best. It’s endlessly versatile and secure yet forgiving. As long as the knots are tied right you’re probably not going to get out of it unassisted, but no matter how much you thrash and wiggle you’re not likely to hurt yourself.

You don’t need the fancy stuff to have a little fun; just go to any hardware store and pick up some 6mm solid braid nylon rope. Start out with two 15ft lengths if you’re just looking to tie wrists; it shouldn’t be more than thirty cents per foot, so you won’t break the bank. Next find yourself a good instructional video about basics, like the ones at Twisted Monk. (This is important. Don’t jump the gun and go tying somebody up with the same knots you learned in Summer Camp when you were eight. The wrong knots can easily cut off circulation, pinch nerves, or even just jam, forcing you to cut your partner out.)

Makeshift handcuff alternatives (do’s): There are hundreds of things in your house right now that could be used to secure someone’s wrists. Pull out that box of obsolete or broken cords. (Don’t use new ones unless you want to break them. And for god’s sake, don’t use them while they’re plugged in.) Long strips of Velcro can be fashioned into some super cheap yet effective cuffs. Saran Wrap can be fun. Be creative.

Makeshift handcuff alternatives (don’ts): I’ve heard a lot of people suggest using women’s nylons, but please don’t. They’re slippery, stretchy, and thin; even using good knots the material will tighten, cutting off circulation and jamming the knot. At that point even cutting them off can be a problem because they can become so tight you can’t even wiggle your safety scissors underneath. The same can be true for certain types of silk scarf. Cable zip-ties are the worst idea that every kinky geek has ever had for reasons that should be obvious to you by now.  Just use your pretty head and you should be able to figure out what will work and what won’t.

Questions? Ask me anything. PeanutBee@geek-vs-life.com