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Jun 27

What are you wearing? What, what, what are you wearing?

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There are very few things that I’d call myself an expert on. Okay, scratch that, I really don’t think there’s anything I’m an ‘expert’ on, but we’ll pretend that statement is some modern spin on Socrates’ idea about “I know nothing, therefore I know everything.”

However, when it comes to fashion I’d like to think I at least have a decent head on my shoulders. It’s one of the things I really enjoy, and I appreciate clothing for what it is rather than what’s on its label. I know designers, but I’m not about to swoon over an item just because one of them jizzed their signature on it. So I’m going to highlight some truly terrible fashion mistakes (with no qualms pointing out who made them).

Gold lamé bra. Joy.

This month’s violator: H&M.

Now normally, I’m actually a pretty big fan of this store. Two of my favorite coats, a pair of sandals and a myriad of other pieces have been snagged from this very store.

However during my last “I pain, therefore I shop” trips with a girlfriend of mine, we encountered some eye-sores that could not go unmentioned. I get it, the 80’s are back, and I love that, but there are some things that do not deserve a trip in the DeLorean.

TLDR: Karma rants about several articles of clothing that should have never made it out of the factory and onto the racks.

 

Oh, the stomach cramps!

Because women don’t feel pressured enough to be a certain weight, the makers of this shirt felt that having a constant image of “Try to suck it in” with Madonna-like hands would be a fantastic edition to the wardrobe.

Seriously, whose idea was this? It draws the eye to that one part of your body where, unless you have a 6 pack, you’re going to have a tiny bit of pudge. Why? Because you have a lot of organs all squished in that area and your stomach muscles aren’t always capable of keeping them entirely restrained. I see this having a bizarrely reverse effect than its intent: making everyone who wears it seem bigger than they actually are.

 

The print kind of burns my eyes.

I remember floral stretch pants from my childhood.

I hated them then, too. The only way these pants have improved on from the nightmare trousers of yesteryear is that they weren’t made with stirrups. Still, I’m not sure who can get away with wearing these pants in 2011.

Maybe a cute tiny Asian girl who would look adorable even if you put her in a paper bag, though that’s not really a saving grace for any article of clothing. (Darn petite Asian women and their ability to wear almost anything well!)

Can we go back to when stretch pants of any kind were avoided? Just say ‘no’ to spandex kids.

 

Remember how this made a weirdly funny crotch bulge if someone wore it with stretch pants?

Ah, the body suit with snaps at the crotch. I remember this article of clothing as one of the completely moronic things to dress a child in. For some bizarre reason, while their spawn were at the age where “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” was the only attitude towards relieving themselves, parents decided garments like these were a good idea. Needless to say, there was a lot of extra laundry done around the 80’s and 90’s.

A body suit, like most if not all spandex, looks ridiculous if you’re not doing some sort of physical fitness. The fact that it’s taupe really isn’t helping its case either. Also, did the manufacturer forget the kind of wedgies these things gave?

 

Denim harem pants... why?

 

I’m assuming the thought process behind these pants were something like this: “Let’s make something that says ‘I’m a modern day Aladdin’,” and thus, denim harem pants were born.

Even if you had the great theftery powers of everyone’s favorite street-rat, these pants still wouldn’t be worth it. Free does not a fashion faux pas fix.

Grab your magic lamp and wish this monstrosity back to wherever it came from.

 

No. Just... no.

 

This was a narrow, floor-length, t-shirt dress. Ill-chosen style and fabric aside, it seems that ‘emaciated stick person’ is the “in” body type when it comes to the cut of these clothes. Any normal curve of the female body would bulge unattractively from under this garment. Though, considering the pattern, I’m not sure there is a way one could wear this attractively.

Contrary to what your eyes may first see, this does actually say “Love Only”, however it took some squinting and head tilting to not read the word “lonely”. Lonely. Like what you can expect to be if you decide this dress is a good idea.

 

Every year, hell, every store, is bound to have fashion flops… and I will be there. To laugh at at them until my sides hurt. It’s not that I’m a bitch, designers, it’s just that clearly you get too cocky and think you can do no wrong and thus require a righteous verbal bitch-slap. Is that cruel? No, that’s just Karma.

Are they shorts? Is it a skirt? We don't know! But for the now discounted price of $15, you too could have your pelvis presented to the world by a big orange bow.

3 comments

  1. insomniakid

    Yikes. I tend to avoid most fashion stores like the plague, and we don’t have a H&M where I currently reside, but most of those examples need a beating with a police baton. I love the eighties, but I love them from a nostalgic difference.
    Awesome post! Your blog makes me giggle.

    1. Karma

      Right? Most of 80’s – early 90’s nostalgia should be reserved for cartoons, fantastic John Cusack movies, and kooky accessories like slap bracelets.

      1. kriscrat

        I love snap bracelets!

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