Jun 16

The 5am Excel Blues

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Fuck you Excel, it’s 5am. I don’t have time for your shit. So here I am, pulling an all-nighter analyzing some important data for work, and Excel just won’t do what I want it to do. Apparently the SQL integers I pasted into that bitch are showing up as strings and wont compare to the integer column next door. Column formatting? No effect. Pasting as values? Oh hell no. Seriously Excel, it’s not that hard.

Nearing my wits end, I try clicking on the stupid, idiotic 4 pixel by 4 pixel indicator triangle in the corner of the cell. You know the one. The little red bastard that tries to tell you everything from some minor annoying tidbit about your data to your shit is fucked up. That fucking triangle thingy is always there. If you’re gonna cry wolf all the time Excel, I’m going to stop paying attention eventually… I don’t care that the two columns of data next to one another are the same data type yet aren’t being operated on the same. You see, I fucking planned that. Has that feature ever benefited me in any way? No. Saved my ass? Never. That feature is just like a web page advertisement that blurs into my periphery.

Microsoft Excel Bug
Oh, what’s that you’ve got tucked away in a menu that is so goddamned un-intuitive that knowledge of it’s existence is limited to a small group of bean-counting Excel Illuminati? What’s that little menu item there?, “Convert to Number(s)”? My bad Excel, apparently I wasn’t fucking being clear in my previous attempts to get you to compare two seemingly identical columns of numbers. Argh, I hope you choke on some malformed XML.

Spork You know Excel, you remind me of an ex-girlfriend – your quirks used to be endearing and entertaining, but they eventually made me want to gouge my eyes out with a spork.



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