«

»

Jul 11

I [blank] the 80s – A Karmic Rant

  • Sharebar



TLDR: Karma attempts to explain a few reasons why she is not on board with the 80s making a comeback in fasihon.

You remember that VH1 show, “I Love the (insert decade, but you seemed to always turn on the channel when it was talking about the 80s)”? For the longest time, I was almost convinced that was the only show VH1 had because it seemed like every time I turned on the TV, there it was.

Only… Here’s the thing… I don’t love the 80s. There! I said it. I got it off my chest. As part of a generation obsessed with bringing back various fashion trends because we’re too lazy to find our own–let me vehemently express how much I despise the fashion of this decade. And you know what? I hated it during the brief time I was actually in it too!


Now sure, I don’t hate everything about the 80’s–I’m a fan of most of the movies, I have a few “born in the 80s” items like a slap or jelly bracelet or a night shirt that hangs carelessly off my shoulder… but as a general rule, I’d like to put my foot down on this “Let’s bring back the 80s” trend I’m seeing.

This rant was admittedly born because I was seeing nothing but rave reviews for Katy Perry’s video “Last Friday Night”. So I decided to check it out myself.

I’ve heard this video heralded as “The best music video ever made” to Perry herself being called “an incredible actress” (Based on this video? Seriously?) and that it was “really bold” of her to take on this kind of role. Okay, people? This role is not ‘bold’. It’s classic Cinderella story and it’s been around for well over 200 years. She dressed up in headgear, thick glasses and perpetuated the fantastically stupid stereotype that says if you’re nerdy, you are nearly brain dead about anything that doesn’t involve school work (She LICKS the freaking bra insert! WHAT THE HELL?). But have no fear, outcasts of the high school world, all you need to do to fix your speech impediments, your awkward movement and general inability to act like a human being is to dress a little slutty and release the inner ho-bag that was there all along!

…Okay, I’ve made this rant about something else now, haven’t I? Alright, let me get it out of my system real quick. Katy? You’re turning twenty-fucking-seven this year. Stop making movies about being in high school. No, really. Teens these days have enough pressure to fuck up their lives early with booze and not enough knowledge of sex to be safe about it and you aren’t fucking helping. You’re not a teen. You haven’t been for quite a while now. If you’re going to sing about getting plastered, having a threesome and being too hungover to remember half of it the next morning, do so with your big girl panties on. /rant

Whew. Okay. Moving on. Apart from the fantastic Kenny G appearance and joke at the end regarding this cameo, I couldn’t get on board with the 80s theme of this video. I hate 80s clothing. I really, really do. It made everyone in this video look like an idiot or a tool… except Rebecca Black… who would look like that regardless of her attire.

Photo by Capitol Records (Katy Perry looking kinda fucking psycho)

1. Neon – As much as I love colors so bright they make your eyes bleed, I can’t bring myself to get on board with wearing them. Probably because most people can’t or shouldn’t. If you’re like me and were born with the lucky magic skin of the Irish, you posses the uncanny ability of somehow reflecting certain colors you wear. Much like a chameleon, should I don neon green attire, my skin can’t help but seem to appear to also be a sickly green shade. It’s unnerving, really. Anyway, vanity aside, neon is usually just too fucking bright for a person to be wearing who isn’t directing traffic. You can get away with at a rave or a pride parade, that’s about it.

2. Lamé. It’s everywhere. (See previous post for further information)

3. Rompers. Why, oh why, have these made a comeback? Thank god I’ve at least yet to see a true 80s DENIM romper hit the racks, but I know this is only a matter of time. It’s the dress equivalent of a skort, people, why would you wear it? Just the thought of maneuvering the bathroom mechanics alone takes me back to grade school when your parents put you in clothing so complicated that any skip to the lou involved a full strip down.

4. The misuse of denim. No, really, the 80s decided this was an all purpose fabric and I’m here to tell you, it’s not. Jeans–I must clarify because the 80s may have been the first generation where ‘denim pants’ did not always mean ‘jeans’. Baggy white-washed denim pants with a stretchy waistband? WHY? Ahem. Point being, you can get away with a skirt, jeans or the occasional jacket made of denim… just don’t wear them together. (See Deconstruction of the Canadian Tuxedo)

5. Scrunchies. I really don’t feel I have to explain that. I just fucking hate scrunchies. So much that I feel justified in ending this rant on that very note. Fuck scrunchies.

2 comments

  1. Kikilicity

    I am so glad you posted this. The 80s style are the reason I choose to dress in timeless clothes now. I look back at the things I wore and refuse to ever have to look back and regret what I wore.

  2. PeanutBee

    Is that video supposed to be the 80’s? It seems that way but they mentioned texting which, according to ancient historical documents, was not yet invented back then.

    As usual, you are as wise as you are beautiful, and I agree with everything you say except for your prejudice toward lamé.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>