Jul 28

Book Review: A Billion Wicked Thoughts

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It’s Thursday evening. You’re alone. No one will be home for hours. It’s just you, the Internet, and whatever your naughty mind can come up with. Only one question remains.

What do you google?

This is the question that A Billion Wicked Thoughts seeks to answer. In the past anything that we could learn about other people’s sex lives relied on people telling the truth about their sex lives. Even anonymous surveys have a huge margin of error when the participants may be so ashamed of their desires that they’re lying to everyone, including themselves.

The solution? Figure out what they search for in the dark when they think they’re alone and that no one is looking. Figure out what they google.

Authors Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam got their hands on hundreds of anonymous Internet search histories and sifted through them to find what people really want when they’ve shut their super-ego off and become creatures of id. The result is a fascinatingly honest sex survey that profiles people from all walks of life. What do women search for? (Erotica.) What do gay men search for? (Straight men.) What do straight men search for? (Man, what don’t straight men search for?)

The basic conclusion is that we’re all perverts in our own way. Very few searches are for straight-up vanilla porn; everything is qualified with things like ‘teen,’ ‘huge,’ or ‘whore.’ And that’s the vanilla searches. Grannies are only marginally less popular than teens (no one ever searches for age groups between ‘teen’ and ‘granny’) and foot fetishes are so common they’re searched for about as often as cheerleaders are.

My favorite part of the book by far was the frequent lists of search histories. Here’s one from a fan of mature porn whom the authors referred to as Mr. Playstation:

Mature deepthroat movies
Old lady oral movies
Granny cum swallowing movies
What is the optimum humidity for a home
Grandma anal movies
Star wars lego game cheats for playstation 2
Teen deep throat movies
Mature oral movies


In honor of this, I give you a list of my most recent search history and a telling peek into my mind:

Superhero boyshorts
CSPC calendar
Is there Mrs. Queequag?
Scott Paul toys
Wartenberg pinwheel
Another Day in the Frontal Lobe


So what have you been searching for?


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  1. @Psyfallen

    Oh God I shit you not, the last things I have googled are the following: Erotic Snow Globes, Grampires, getfanged.com and Heather Campbell.

  2. @Psyfallen

    Ugh. Rainbowed.

    1. Lawjick

      Ha ha ha….wait…is this rainbowed too?

      Mine are: Blue Highway, Blue Giraffe, Red Dragon, ameteur, Abe Vigoda, and Canadian Corn Pops.

    2. Lawjick


  3. PeanutBee

    I imagine that @Psyfallen was searching for my Christmas present and @Lawjick is working on some kind of ungodly Canadian version of Lucky Charms. Blue giraffes, red dragons, and Abe Vigoda!

    1. Lawjick

      I forgot about black sheep…totally Canadian lucky charms.

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