The crowd packs in, the theater goes dark, and I’ve spent my life savings on 2 snacks. So begins my first adventure: Zombieland.
The movie is about our hero, that we only get to know as Columbus (Jesse “no-I’m-not-Michael-Cera” Eisenburg) being one of the last living people in a world of Zombies. He has survived by living in within the constraints of a list of rules that he will, under no circumstances, break. Such as “Always wear your seatbelt” or “CARDIO WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE” and of course, my personal favorite: “Enjoy the little things”.
Columbus decides to head out and find parents- who he is estranged from by being a World of Warcraft playing shut-in- in order to get some normalcy in his life. On his trip he meets up with Tallahassee (Woody “F’in” Harrelson, thank you very much), who is exactly what Columbus needed. He is a complete and utter badass who hates zombies more than pretty much anything. They killed his puppy after all, and you just don’t do that. So Columbus decides to hitch a ride and away we go.
For reasons I won’t get in to- because it will TOTALLY be worth it to find out on your own- Tallahassee and Columbus end up at a supermarket where, after a brief and hilarious fight with some Zombies, they meet up with Wichita (Emma “my-eyes-are-so-beautiful-it-hurts” Stone) and her little sister, Little Rock (Abigail “I-was-in-Little-Miss-Sunshine-and-therefore-rock” Breslin). After a frank exchange of ideas the 4 split off in to 2 again, only now Columbus and Tallahassee are one car and 2 guns lighter.
The rest of the movie is filled to the brim with surprises, twists, and awesome stuff that I don’t want to give away. (*Hint) It sort of involves twinkies/mad cow disease/clowns AND the best cameo of 2009. As a quick side note, while we are on the subject: STOP WATCHING THE TRAILERS, STOP READING THE IMDB, and STOP GOING TO THE WEBSITE! A lot of this movie is given away because of these things and I promise any expectations that you have already will be blown away (Pun totally intended).
If I had to have a single knock against the movie, it would be that I have to wait until October 2nd to see it again. No, seriously, thats it. This movie can’t really do any wrong in my book. As an avid fan of horror movies, it is nice to see the writers and directors of this movie making a film that not only I can enjoy, but the kind of movie that everyone can enjoy, fan boy or not. It’s very funny, very entertaining, GREAT violence, awkward love, and WOODY “F’IN” HARRELSON!
Just do me this one favor… Don’t take it too seriously. In “Geek Speak” this movie is more like House Of The Dead: Overkill than Resident Evil, so bare in mind the cheesy stuff. This movie is extremely self aware, but not in that awful 90’s slasher sort of way.
Final thoughts? There is a scene where the song “No One Is Gonna Love You Like I Do” by Band Of Horses comes on. My ex ruined this song for me and this movie fixed it. Also, I overheard a few people as I left that complained “It wasn’t scary enough” or “It wasn’t enough like Dawn of the Dead”. To you I say, “Eat me”. And again, pun totally intended.
*INTERMISSION*
The lights are dimming, I have my refills, and next up is Jennifer’s Body.
The movie is about BFFs Needy Lesnicky (Amanda “Mamma-Mia-and-Mean-Girls” Seyfried) and Jennifer Check (Megan “slow-motion-cleavage” Fox) doing what all high school girls do: Being best friends and going to a concert. An unknown band called “Low Shoulder” is playing at a local hot spot in the small town they live in and the girls doll up to see them. The band’s leader, Nikolai Wolf (Adam “only-getting-mentioned-so-Keegan-can-finish-this-joke” Brody) takes a liking to Jennifer and, after a horrible accident during the music, he takes her in to his van and they drive off. Needy is, of course, horrified and goes home to call her boyfriend Chip (Johnny “funny-thing-ha-ha” Simmons). During their talk, Needy hears a noise and finds a beaten and bloody Jennifer in her kitchen. From then on Jennifer, a demon possessed cheerleader, goes on an all-boy killing spree.
Oh, and remember Low Shoulder? Suddenly they are millionaires.
Again, this is another movie where I don’t want to give too much away. It is sort of Juno with Demons but with a lot of complex and well written undertones. It pokes fun of the same Indie Movie and Indie Music culture that made Juno such a success, but at the same time, stays completely aware of itself and never gets preachy or snarky. You know, like a hipster.
Diablo Cody proves that she can make anyone amazing yet again with her amazing writing, Karyn Kusama (the director of Aeon Flux) shows that with the right script she can make magic happen, and believe or not: Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried play off each other so well you actually believe them as long time best friends towards the end.
Therein lays my only real problem with this film. It does take till the end of the movie to really understand the scope of the girl’s friendship, which is fine, but in ONE conversation between Ellen Page and Olivia Thirlby (Juno) on a hamburger phone you can understand the deep friendship in a matter of minutes. Maybe it was lazy writing or maybe it’s that they seemed to cut a few conversations with the girls. Maybe it’s even just completely unfair to compare the two films, but since I’m such a huge fan of hers, I have to beg Diablo not to forget what makes her films great: The script.
This is another movie that you also have to not take so seriously. Is this an Oscar contender? Not at all. But it is another show of what makes movies, especially horror movies, worth the 10 bucks: Its REALLY entertaining. It’s got everything from evil indie bands to oddly placed but hilarious lesbians scenes to that same, funny, back and forth conversation we’ve come to love from Diablo Cody. Remember when that used to be what movies were about? Fun and lesbians? Diablo Cody does.
And with that I say goodnight to you all. Both movies are must sees and I hope you enjoy them as much as I did. And finally, an open letter to the cast:
Dear Megan Fox, Amanda Seyfried, and Emma Stone,
It’s not easy for me to say this so I’ll just say it and see what you think. I’ve been with you all for some time, watching you punctuate otherwise decent films with your lack of ability (Megan Fox), lack of strength (Amanda, and don’t even start with Mamma-Freakin’-Mia) or lack of a chance to really shine (see also: Emma in Superbad). I don’t mean to be harsh, but up until now it has been just another load of ditsy, unimportant, eye candy roles. Now however, I can safely say, those roles are far beneath the lot of you. You’ve proven yourselves girls… now get out there and keep doing it.
Your movies and have made this EASILY one of the most entertaining weeks I’ve been a part of in recent history. Congrats to you all.
Love,
Keegan
P.S. Ellen Page, you are still my one and only. PLEASE MAKE MORE MOVIES.
Well I think I might be able to help.
OK, during my second childhood, I plan on buying cars and guitars, traveling and proving my manhood. So yeah, I’m like most guys.
Woe is me! The White space initiative is moving along, for sure, but it does seem to be dragging. Who gives a rat’s bottom about economic woes, or health care debacles?