Geek vs Life

The crowd packs in, the theater goes dark, and I’ve spent my life savings on 2 snacks. So begins my first adventure: Zombieland.

The movie is about our hero, that we only get to know as Columbus (Jesse “no-I’m-not-Michael-Cera” Eisenburg) being one of the last living people in a world of Zombies. He has survived by living in within the constraints of a list of rules that he will, under no circumstances, break. Such as “Always wear your seatbelt” or “CARDIO WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE” and of course, my personal favorite: “Enjoy the little things”.

Columbus decides to head out and find parents- who he is estranged from by being a World of Warcraft playing shut-in- in order to get some normalcy in his life. On his trip he meets up with Tallahassee (Woody “F’in” Harrelson, thank you very much), who is exactly what Columbus needed. He is a complete and utter badass who hates zombies more than pretty much anything. They killed his puppy after all, and you just don’t do that. So Columbus decides to hitch a ride and away  we go.

For reasons I won’t get in to- because it will TOTALLY be worth it to find out on your own- Tallahassee and Columbus end up at a supermarket where, after a brief and hilarious fight with some Zombies, they meet up with Wichita (Emma “my-eyes-are-so-beautiful-it-hurts” Stone) and her little sister, Little Rock (Abigail “I-was-in-Little-Miss-Sunshine-and-therefore-rock” Breslin). After a frank exchange of ideas the 4 split off in to 2 again, only now Columbus and Tallahassee are one car and 2 guns lighter.

The rest of the movie is filled to the brim with surprises, twists, and awesome stuff that I don’t want to give away. (*Hint) It sort of involves twinkies/mad cow disease/clowns AND the best cameo of 2009. As a quick side note, while we are on the subject: STOP WATCHING THE TRAILERS, STOP READING THE IMDB, and STOP GOING TO THE WEBSITE! A lot of this movie is given away because of these things and I promise any expectations that you have already will be blown away (Pun totally intended).

If I had to have a single knock against the movie, it would be that I have to wait until October 2nd to see it again. No, seriously, thats it. This movie can’t really do any wrong in my book. As an avid fan of horror movies, it is nice to see the writers and directors of this movie making a film that not only I can enjoy, but the kind of movie that everyone can enjoy, fan boy or not. It’s very funny, very entertaining, GREAT violence, awkward love, and WOODY “F’IN” HARRELSON!

Just do me this one favor… Don’t take it too seriously. In “Geek Speak” this movie is more like House Of The Dead: Overkill than Resident Evil, so bare in mind the cheesy stuff. This movie is extremely self aware, but not in that awful 90’s slasher sort of way.

Final thoughts? There is a scene where the song “No One Is Gonna Love You Like I Do” by Band Of Horses comes on. My ex ruined this song for me and this movie fixed it.  Also, I overheard a few people as I left that complained “It wasn’t scary enough” or “It wasn’t enough like Dawn of the Dead”. To you I say, “Eat me”. And again, pun totally intended.

*INTERMISSION*

The lights are dimming, I have my refills, and next up is Jennifer’s Body.

The movie is about BFFs Needy Lesnicky (Amanda “Mamma-Mia-and-Mean-Girls” Seyfried) and Jennifer Check (Megan “slow-motion-cleavage” Fox) doing what all high school girls do: Being best friends and going to a concert. An unknown band called “Low Shoulder” is playing at a local hot spot in the small town they live in and the girls doll up to see them. The band’s leader, Nikolai Wolf (Adam “only-getting-mentioned-so-Keegan-can-finish-this-joke” Brody) takes a liking to Jennifer and, after a horrible accident during the music, he takes her in to his van and they drive off. Needy is, of course, horrified and goes home to call her boyfriend Chip (Johnny “funny-thing-ha-ha” Simmons). During their talk, Needy hears a noise and finds a beaten and bloody Jennifer in her kitchen. From then on Jennifer, a demon possessed cheerleader, goes on an all-boy killing spree.

Oh, and remember Low Shoulder? Suddenly they are millionaires.

Again, this is another movie where I don’t want to give too much away. It is sort of Juno with Demons but with a lot of complex and well written undertones. It pokes fun of the same Indie Movie and Indie Music culture that made Juno such a success, but at the same time, stays completely aware of itself and never gets preachy or snarky. You know, like a hipster.

Diablo Cody proves that she can make anyone amazing yet again with her amazing writing, Karyn Kusama (the director of Aeon Flux) shows that with the right script she can make magic happen, and believe or not: Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried play off each other so well you actually believe them as long time best friends towards the end.

Therein lays my only real problem with this film. It does take till the end of the movie to really understand the scope of the girl’s friendship, which is fine, but in ONE conversation between Ellen Page and Olivia Thirlby (Juno) on a hamburger phone you can understand the deep friendship in a matter of minutes. Maybe it was lazy writing or maybe it’s that they seemed to cut a few conversations with the girls. Maybe it’s even just completely unfair to compare the two films, but since I’m such a huge fan of hers, I have to beg Diablo not to forget what makes her films great: The script.

This is another movie that you also have to not take so seriously. Is this an Oscar contender? Not at all. But it is another show of what makes movies, especially horror movies, worth the 10 bucks: Its REALLY entertaining. It’s got everything from evil indie bands to oddly placed but hilarious lesbians scenes to that same, funny, back and forth conversation we’ve come to love from Diablo Cody. Remember when that used to be what movies were about? Fun and lesbians?  Diablo Cody does.

And with that I say goodnight to you all. Both movies are must sees and I hope you enjoy them as much as I did. And finally, an open letter to the cast:

Dear Megan Fox, Amanda Seyfried, and Emma Stone,

It’s not easy for me to say this so I’ll just say it and see what you think. I’ve been with you all for some time, watching you punctuate otherwise decent films with your lack of ability (Megan Fox), lack of strength (Amanda, and don’t even start with Mamma-Freakin’-Mia) or lack of a chance to really shine (see also: Emma in Superbad). I don’t mean to be harsh, but up until now it has been just another load of ditsy, unimportant, eye candy roles. Now however, I can safely say, those roles are far beneath the lot of you. You’ve proven yourselves girls… now get out there and keep doing it.

Your movies and have made this EASILY one of the most entertaining weeks I’ve been a part of in recent history. Congrats to you all.

Love,

Keegan

P.S. Ellen Page, you are still my one and only. PLEASE MAKE MORE MOVIES.

District 9 to me is the little movie that possibly could. Not a lot of foreign movies get decent screens in the US (before you sent hate mail, yes there are exceptions but let’s agree that they are few and far between), but this South African film directed by Neill Blomkamp is getting the full release treatment. Having Peter Jackson (of Lord of the Rings fame) as your producer and backer, probably helped matters quite a bit.

Without wanting to give too much away, the film is about a ship full of aliens (nicknamed “prawns”) who arrive to Earth in the early 80’s and are placed by the humans into a “colony” of sorts named District 9 located in Johannesburg. In 2010, when Multinational United (MNU) decides to relocate the “colony” to a new location outside the city, they send their man, Wikus van de Merwe (Sharlto Copley), a lowly bureaucrat to lead the team who will be handing out the eviction slips. Things go very wrong from then on.

The film is adapted from a 2005 short film called Alive in Joburg, which deals with undertones of xenophobia and social segregation. It is inspired by events that occured during the South African apartheid in the city of Cape Town, which had a area called District six.

The movie which cost a paltry (all things considered…) $30 million to make, looks and feels like what sci-fi should be. The effects are superb and well done. The movie is gruesome at times, but still with just enough heart for you to feel for the aliens. Well written, well acted and well directed. Good film all in all.

Side Note: On the way out of the theater, one lady to another said: “The movie was okay but will not work here. They should have set it here so people can relate to it better.” Clearly she missed the point.

It was a “no possible way we can’t make any money off of this” film. The casting of Christian “Batman” Bale and Johnny “Jack Sparrow” Depp, was sheer brilliance. Having Michael Mann at the helm for Public Enemies… let’s say my reservations were well founded.

Set in the 1930’s, Public Enemies resolves around John Dillinger’s claim to fame: one of the most popular bank robbers the world has ever known. The movie centers around Dillinger (Depp) and his FBI counterpart Melvin Purvis (Bale) as they play cat and mouse throughout the Midwest. As it is also the case with Titanic, a historically based movie has no surprise ending: John Dillinger does get shot as he makes his way out of a movie. The fun is what leads to the events on July 22 1934. How the man who once was considered to be as much of a celebrity as Clark Gable or Babe Ruth, met his ultimate end.

Both Depp and Bale deliver adequately in both their respective roles. Depp was appropriately brooding and charismatic, while Bale was headstrong and determined. Some of the secondary characters were just that: people to bounce lines off of. Mann did an excellent job at setting the action scenes such as the bank robberies and shootouts, but feel kind of flat when tackling the romance between Dillinger and Billie Frechette (Marion Cotillard).

Meh.

For Transformers 2, director Michael Bay, the man behind such cinematic gems as Bad Boys and The Rock, seriously gets a bad rap. Yes, you know that shit will be blowing up for at least three quarters of his film. But is that REALLY a bad thing? You don’t go to his films and expect “Oscar for Best Film” cinema do you? For shame. Bay sets the story aside, and makes things go boom. The end. And you know what? I’m fine with that. Most of the time.

In this, the latest film to be attached to his resume, Bay returns to the robots in disguise with a renewed interest in pyrotechnics, which seemed to have been on sale at Costco. The story once again follows Sam (Shia Labeouf) who moves out of mom and dad’s house to go to college, leaving Mikaela (Megan Fox) at home with… a web cam? (More on real reasons to cast Fox later.) Robots multiply, Megatron comes back to life (rather easily I might add), and yes, things go kablooey.  Alot.

Apart from stuff blowing up, the films does get some stuff right. Some of the robot battle sequences are fantastic. The Transformers seemed more agile and less static than in the first incarnation of the franchise. They at times moved with the grace of a Jet Li or Michelle Yeoh. Not a small feat for 20 ton gigantatron robots. Another point of interest, KABOOM!

Now for the not so niceties. Megan Fox should be dragged behind a shed and shot… in the head. If only to preserve her ass and tits, which are really the only reason to cast her in anything. You might argue that she has pretty eyes, but when she is running in slow motion for 5 minutes, wearing a bra that lacks in any real firm support, her eyes are not what your eyes are drawn to. At all. Unless you more a Shia type of person. But even then, I heard he stuffs his jock. Just saying. Blaming the actors for a poor story is unfair. There were passable jokes (a robot scrotum… what?), and the plot had many gaping holes in it. Someone must have strapped dynamite to the script and well… you know the rest.

I said it for the first one, and I’ll say it again: the movie feels like a car commercial for General Motors. I think that the irony that the film is released just weeks after GM declares bankruptcy is HILARIOUS. But since when did GM make motorcycles… or was that a new sponsor?

See it for the action, check your phone for messages when people start talking to each other, your better off that way.

A long time ago, before superheroes ruled the silver screens and iPods were social norms, Sam Raimi directed horror films. Now of course, these aren’t your new age “horror” films which often are more gore than substance. No, back then the point was to frighten, not to induce vomiting. Raimi cemented his indie/cult cred when he wrote, directed, produced and even lent a hand in creating visual effects for the iconic film “Evil Dead”. Some speculate that he molded Bruce Campbell out of clay and gave him life, no one knows. When Raimi was done with “Army of Darkness” the third film in the Evil Dead Trilogy, he began to write his next horror flick. Sadly the horror movie bubble died and he went on to different things like producing Hercules and directing lesser known films like Spider-man.

With production on Spider-Man 4 being delayed until 2011 to make room for a new breed of Marvel heroes like Iron Man, Raimi needed a project to keep himself busy. Sam Raimi presents: “Drag me to Hell.”

The story starts with a young boy in Mexico who soon discovers that stealing from gypsies is bad, especially when they curse you to be dragged to Hell. Remember boys and girls: stealing is bad. Fast-forward some 40 years later in L.A. where loan officer Christine Brown, played by Alison Lohman, must refuse a loan extension to an elderly gypsy woman (Lorna Raver). Brown, who is looking for a promotion, must act tough and despite being begged and pleaded with, refuses to budge on her decision. Gypsy woman curses Brown, let the show begin.

The film is filled with such sight gag that sometimes it is almost a mockery of itself. No one said the movie had to be serious though, sure worked for Army of Darkness after all. Yes, there are jumps and frights and plenty of them. To me, that’s what a horror movie should be. Enough with so called “horror movies” that try and treat dismemberment and evisceration as art; gore is gore, akin to shock sites on the internet. If the film was just fright, it would be one thing, but the humor is actually half the movie as well. Maybe that’s why funny man Justin Long (Mac guy)was cast as Lohman’s boyfriend Clay.

All in all, a movie with twists and enough curve balls to keep you entertained. If not for the firghts, then at least the laughs.